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Behold the mother with her newborn child!
An icon of a hope that never dies.
Death may label all we cherish lies,
Yet this love lies too deep to be defiled.
We clear an inner field where fate has smiled,
Letting play the pleasures of surmise,
Holding back all contrary replies,
As though our thoughts might turn the winters mild.
Despite the well-known travesties of time,
Each time a child is born we dream anew,
For only thus our losses are regained.
Though we must share the destiny of slime,
No passion in our palette is more true
Than that which cradles innocence unstained.

I am now the VERY PROUD grandma of my second grandbaby, my first grandson.  Born today at 4:06p.m., weighing 6 pounds, 3 ounces, and 19 and 3/4 inches long, a beautiful child!  Tomorrow is my first grandbaby's 5th birthday, what a gift for her, a new baby boy!  He wasn't supposed to arrive till the 18th, but they come when they come,  and he came fast, 4 pushes and out he came saying hello to our

world, welcome, my sweet grandson!  Love is yours for the taking.

Numerous studies report from 15% to 25% of pregnant women are physically and sexually abused. At least one woman in six is abused during pregnancy.

Some of the pregnancy complications from abuse include:

• Miscarriages
• Stillbirths
• Fetal fractures
• Low birthweight
• Early deliveries.

Abuse is common in pregnancy

As unbelievable as it seems, physical abuse is one of the most common causes of complications during pregnancy.

Numerous studies report from 15% to 25% of pregnant women are physically and sexually abused. At least one woman in six is abused during pregnancy. Some experts think that abuse of pregnant women is even higher.

Abuse affects women of all ages and from all socioeconomic backgrounds. The group of women who are most at risk, however, are those who have been physically abused before.

Even when help is available, however, many abused women never seek help because:

• They are rarely allowed to leave the house and then usually only in a controlled situation.

• They may not have the money, the means of transportation, or both.

• They may be too frightened or ashamed to confront this situation.

The fact that the woman is pregnant is a risk factor for abuse in itself. In fact, Judith McFarlane, a professor in the department of nursing of Texas Woman's University says that abuse is one of the most common problems in pregnancy.

Even when help is available, however, many abused women never seek help because:

• They are rarely allowed to leave the house and then usually only in a controlled situation.
• They may not have the money, the means of transportation, or both.
• They may be too frightened or ashamed to confront this situation.

According to Eli Newberger in the Journal of the American Medical Association, physical and sexual abuse of pregnant women can cause several adverse birth outcomes such as fetal fracture, infection, and rupture of the mother's uterus. Intensifying chronic illnesses of the mother may have adverse effects on the fetus as well. Intermediate risks from abuse are elevated stress, isolation leading to inadequate access to prenatal care, and  inadequate nutrition. Maternal psychological stress has been associated with depression, and stress and/or depression may have direct or indirect effects on the fetus.

Some of the pregnancy complications from abuse include:

• Miscarriages

• Stillbirths

• Fetal fractures

• Low birthweight

• Early deliveries.

Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in public. They treat their spouse or girlfriend with such respect that people often think they "are the perfect couple." They save their abuse and cruelty for a private audience of one.

Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical.

Many men are obviously verbally cruel and abusive. Others are more subtle.

Although verbal abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-image. Verbal abuse is cruel and scars your soul.

Many women never discuss verbal abuse. Indeed, some do not even recognize that they are being verbally abused.

Often a verbal abuser is quite sensitive to outsiders finding out about the abuse and is very careful to save these scenes for the home environment only. Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in public. They treat their spouse or girlfriend with such respect that people often think they "are the perfect couple." They save their cruelty for a private audience of one.

Why do intelligent, warm women permit verbal abuse from boyfriends and later from spouses?

During the courtship period, everyone is on their best behavior. The verbal abuse is slight and probably few and far between. Since women want to believe the best of their lovers, they overlook obvious verbal abuse. Chemistry adds to the capability women have to overlook the first subtle signs of abuse.

Then they marry or move in together. And the abuse starts...

Verbal Abuse Destroys Confidence.

One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe it's valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then "it must be true."

Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many women in place until verbal abuse has destroyed self-esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold on to him.

The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her doubt her instincts.

If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn on the charm and even make her doubt her instincts. This lowers her self-confidence even further.

Other abusers have stock answers when challenged. He might answer with:

"What's wrong with you, making such a big deal out of nothing.

"Come on, honey, I was drunk .....

"Honey, I love you but sometimes you..."

"I had a bad day at work ..."

"You're not really going to bring this up again, are you? This is getting old."

"I was upset with my ex,"

"You know I didn't mean anything I said. I'm the one who loves you more than anyone else in the world loves you--remember."

If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened. Outside help may be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your "charmer" and don't offer belief or support. They think you are crazy not to marry this man.

Make plans to create a better environment for yourself.  Don't stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving.

Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical.

The abuse is not your fault. No matter how guilty you feel, you did not cause your abuse.

Marriage is not a license for sex gratification when or as desired.   The word "no" is all you should ever have to say. No one, including a married woman, should be forced to have sex against her will.

Daughters and sons first learn proper female/male behavior at home. Often, that is all they ever learn. And that is usually where they learn abuse.

Always remember: respect is another word for love. You deserve respect in a relationship and should leave any relationship where respect is not shown.

The abuse is not, repeat, not your fault. No one deserves this treatment. Nothing you have ever done justifies physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional abuse.

Developing interests and close relationships outside the realm of your spouse/lover will help you escape from an abusive person. 

Marriage is not a license for sex gratification when or as desired.   The word "no" is all you should ever have to say. No one, including a married woman, should be forced to have sex against her will.

Repeat this over and over to yourself: "Abuse does not get better with time--it only gets worse, much worse."

Verbal abuse always escalates. Physical abuse always escalates.

As bizarre as it is to think that a single person could stay in a relationship with and even marry an abusive person, it happens often. It happens to men as well as women.

Developing interests and close relationships outside the realm of your spouse/lover will help you escape from an abusive person.

However, most abusers will try to stop you from doing this. In fact, many abusers start down the road victimization by cutting you off from outside relationships and support.

In fact, when your lover or spouse does things against your wishes "for your own good," take this as a signal to watch out! The next step is excessive control, a form of emotional abuse; then the next step can, and probably will be, physical abuse.

Look at mental abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse.

 Are  You Being
Mentally/Emotionally/Verbally Abused?

Mental abuse often has some threat involved such as, "If you don't shape up, I will..."

"If you leave me, I'll go off without a trace. You and the kids will never find me and never get a penny from me."

All abuse takes a toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless.

In addition, most emotional abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.

Mental abuse is a blow of death to your self-esteem. Often the first step in leaving the abuse is obtaining counseling to rebuild that esteem.

Women and men can be verbal abusers.: The following  recurring thoughts indicate you are being mentally or emotionally abused by your spouse or lover.

"Sandy has no right to do that."  
"I had better not tell Harry or he will be mad again."
"I'd better keep this private to avoid being criticized again."
"I  can never do anything right with Chris."  
"I  can't stand it when Erin does that to me."
"Sometimes I think Natalie is tearing me apart with her mouth."
"Bob is always so sarcastic."
"When Pat talks to me like that I feel really small."

Emotional abuse can take the form  of:

• Extramarital  affairs 
• Provocative behavior with opposite sex
• Humiliation and put-downs  
• Hypercriticism  
• Refusal to communicate
• Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice
• Unreasonable jealousy  
• Extreme  moodiness
• "I love you but..."
• "If you don't shape up, I will..."
• Domination  and control
• Withdrawal of affection

A common form of emotional abuse is "I love you, but..." That sounds so sweet, yet it is both a disguised criticism and a threat. It indicates, "I love you now, but if you don't stop such-and such, that love is of short duration." It is a constant put-down that works on your self-esteem.

Bob Carver is a relationship coach and a family mediator in Dallas, Texas.